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Thursday, October 16, 2003

I don't like open-ended. I like stated, measurable objectives that can be successfully achieved. I like deadlines, and well-defined jobs that I know are over at one point or another.

I think that is where some of my frustration at the moment is coming from. Because with Christianity, there is no such thing. Unless you are Mother Theresa, there are always ways to do better, or more, to go deeper and further - and probably even she had things that she wishes she would still have accomplished :-)
And success is not measured in things you do, or accomplish, but in things largely immeasurable - relationship, trust, faith, obedience.

So I tend to beat myself up because I am not where I want to be right now. To set objectives for me that I can't meet, and then make me even more frustrated. To measure success by objectives that I do accomplish. I am afraid of complacency, so I try to find thing to improve, and do, and fix about myself, to make something measurable that really isn't.

Now, I know that is wrong - but how do you drop that? How do you learn to live in the moment, in the process? To go further and deeper without putting on burdens that God didn't put there? To run the race without needing to have the one mile record ? To find out what God is doing, instead of what I think I should be doing?

I am trying, but even the trying can turn into another objective to meet.......sigh.

posted by Birgit
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